What are you afraid of?

True story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:


I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.


She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.


She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"


(Joanie talking here)  I want to be her when I grow up!

New Wedding Tradition?

On Sunday, John and I took a trip back to Peace Valley Park, so I could get some changing leaves  and great sunsets photos.   I did get some lovely shots, like these...  (click on any of the photos below to get a bigger and better view and some good details)

Then, I saw this...

WHAT?????  Is she really wearing a wedding gown???


My sister told me that apparently this is the new thing to do after your wedding.  Ruin your wedding gown in a fun way, because you're never going to wear it again.  Brides jump in mud puddles and other crazy things (like roll around in a cold lake) .


I can't imagine my daughter doing this after her wedding, especially after all the money she spent to purchase her gown.  (she won't and I'm sure you'll see a comment from her confirming this!!)


I, myself, had my wedding gown preserved, in case one of my daughters wanted to wear it when they got married.  I should have realized when I married a man who was 6'2" tall (and I'm 5' maybe) that chances were, any daughter I had would be taller than me (Gina is 5'3" and Dani is 5'5")


Here's a blast from the past!   My brother, Michael and me on my wedding day in 1981.  Michael gave me away because my Dad had passed on the year before.  I paid $250 for my dress, which probably equates to about $1,000 in today's dollars.  I can't imagine ruining this lovely dress!

Anyway, I Just thought it was nuts!  To ruin a perfectly good dress, even if you don't plan to wear it ever again.  Maybe a future daughter might!  Or use the material to make a First Communion dress or a Baptismal gown.

What It Means To Be Irish

Ok, this is a rerun, but my brother just sent it to me and I really liked it, so here it is again!

1) You will never play professional basketball. (at 5' maybe, i don't think so!)

2) You swear very well. (WTF?)

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun or uncle who's a priest. (I used to own a restaurant/bar, one of my brothers was a fireman and my oldest sister is a nun lol)

4) You think you sing very well. (not since Sr. Mary Leo told the class I sing like a frog!... mean old bitch)

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short! (hey! I resemble that remark!)

6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone... (my ex should thank the gods there's no gun in my house)

7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin. (Instant??  NEVER!!)

8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (Catholic guilt forever!). (Now I know why I have bad knees!)

10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers. (and painfully honest)

11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot. (I'll tell you stuff I'd never tell sober)

12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.

13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations. (hahaha!!!)

14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen ... and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen . (cousin Eileen (and one of my brothers was going to be Eileen), niece Katherine, sister Anne Marie Catherine ..close enough)

15) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.

16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking. (so true)

18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are ... but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.

20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.

21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully . Then you probably know McMurphy. (my last name is Mack! Really!)

22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget every thing but the grudges!

24) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'

25) All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of driver's license,loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from a punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

26) Your skin's ability to tan.... not so much. (nah, I'm black Irish... I tan)

27) You met your husband/wife/significant other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. in a bar/pub. (met my ex-husband in a bar)

28) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.

29) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.

(I have 4 brothers, 3 sisters, 4 spouses of siblings, 3 kids, 6 nephews, 5 nieces, 5 spouses of those kids, 6 great nephews and 4 great nieces. 45 minutes is a conservative figure!)

30) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other (not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other. (probably at some point)

psst!  I have a friend who blogs here... her name is Vodka mom. It's also the name of her blog.  Her blog is one of the funniest I've ever read! Anyway, she was nominated for the Top 50 Mommy Bloggers.  It would be really cool if you could check her out, read some of her stuff and go over to Babble and vote for her!  And you can vote more than once!  As a matter of fact, you can vote once a day!  Last time I checked she was ranked #8!  Simply click here to go to the site.  And check out her blog!  You won't be sorry!!

It happened in Pennsylvania

People in Schuylkill County have a warped sense of humor.

It must be something in the coal-infused water.  This is the pull off at SR 61 and Adamsdale Rd.  A deer was hit there.

The couch was dumped there previously.  Day two: the deer was on the couch.  Day three: the end table and lamp showed up.  Day four: the TV and TV stand showed up.

The Trooper had to call PENN DOT because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE SIGN.

The cardboard caption in front of the deer on the couch reads,

"Sorry Hunters.  Obama ruined healthcare.  We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience, so I'm staying home!"

Sorry,

The Deer.

psst!  I have a friend who blogs here... her name is Vodka mom. It's also the name of her blog.  Her blog is one of the funniest I've ever read! Anyway, she was nominated for the Top 50 Mommy Bloggers.  It would be really cool if you could check her out, read some of her stuff and go over to Babble and vote for her!  And you can vote more than once!  As a matter of fact, you can vote once a day!  Last time I checked she was ranked #8!  Simply click here to go to the site.  And check out her blog!  You won't be sorry!!

the homework assignment

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment...

 
 
 After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:  
   
Dear Ms. Davis, 
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel. 

Mrs. Harrington


psst!  I have a friend who blogs here... her name is Vodka mom. It's also the name of her blog.  Her blog is one of the funniest I've ever read! Anyway, she was nominated for the Top 50 Mommy Bloggers.  It would be really cool if you could check her out, read some of her stuff and go over to Babble and vote for her!  Last time I checked she was ranked #19!  Simply click here to go to the site.  Check out her blog!  You won't be sorry!!

How To Give A Cat A Pill

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently  apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,  holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws  open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.   Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the
wardrobe.   Call spouse from garden. 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.    Ignore low growls  emitted by cat.    Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.    

Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.    Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.    Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.    Get another pill.  Open another beer    Place cat in cupboard,  and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.    Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill  down throat with elastic band. 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.    Drink beer.    Fetch bottle of  scotch.    Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to  cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.   Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.    Toss back another shot.    Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from  across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.    Take last pill  from foil wrap. 

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.    Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.    Be rough about it.    Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints  of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.    Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.    Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
 

2. Toss it in the air.

Water Leaks??

I got this email from a friend and it was too funny not to share! There is a video link after the story! Enjoy!

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued.. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc., all to no avail. One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally got out of his sick bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of the bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he recorded a video of the 'problem' for posterity:

Because I'm weird like that, I counted 10 flushes in that 2:47 time frame! The comments by the videographer are funny too! Mystery solved!