Totally Awkward Tuesday: The Birth Control Story

Today is Totally Awkward Tuesday! The lovely Tova Darling is the host of Totally Awkward Tuesday! If you want to join and post your own very funny story, check it out on Tova's Blog!

I wanted my daughter to put her own version of this story since it concerns her, but she says she didn't find it very awkward. So you're just getting my side of the story! LOL

When my daughter, Gina was a freshman in college, she had a steady boyfriend who was a junior at the same college, and he was a theatre major, like her. So they were spending a lot of time together. My husband and I were talking one night about whether we thought Gina should be taking birth control, because we didn't want her getting pregnant and possibly ruining any chance of her having an acting career. So we decided I'd go and talk to her about it.

So I call Gina up and invite her to go to breakfast with me. I drive to her school (she was only about 40 minutes from home) and we go to the local diner for breakfast. At the time, Gina didn't have her license, so she was pretty much a captive audience.

I start off with, "Your dad and I were talking..." And we were wondering if maybe it wasn't time for you to go on the pill. Now I don't know if you are sexually active, and if you're NOT sexually active, this is NOT permission for you to have sex! But if you want to go on the pill, we're ok with it." Whew! Got that out!

Gina is sitting there with what looked like stunned silence to me, so I just kept on talking! We're just being realistic. Your dad was 17 when he lost his virginity and I was 19. We figure it's better to be safe than sorry. We just want you to be safe. blah, blah, blah blah blah blah!

I can't remember everything I said. I just remember Gina not saying a word! So I just kept yammering on! Now silly me thinks my little girl went off to college a virgin. HA! I discovered (I think at a later date, but maybe it was that day) to my complete shock that it was her high school boyfriend in her senior year who was her first! Frankly, I didn't think he had it in him to do that! LOL

So, anyway, more yadda yadda, yadda from me, and Gina is still not giving up any information. Then it was time to take her back to school because she had a class. I told her if she wanted to start taking the pill, I'd make an appointment for her with a gyn doc.

So we drive back to school, and I pull up in front of the building where her next class is. She gets out of the car, and before she closed the door, she says, "You know that THING we were talking about? Yeah, I think I want to do that." And I say, "Oh, I didn't really want to know that, did I?" And she said, "No, but you started it." And with that, she closed the door and walked into her class!

I did make that appointment and took her to the lady doctor at my doctor's office. Then a few weeks later, she and that guy broke up!

Spin Cycle: Survivor: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

I am the survivor of a divorce I never saw coming. I was, I thought, happily married for 23 years. We were going to grow old together. But I was so wrong. Looking back, I can now see all the signs that things weren't going well. He criticized my driving, if I didn't do laundry often enough, small things that I ignored. This could become very very long but here is a synopsis.

I discovered my husband of 23 years was having an affair with a woman in his office. She lived 5 minutes from the office so they would go there for "lunch", thus leaving him available to come home at night for dinner. He started staying in NJ one night a week to get all his NJ accounts done in 2 days times. (we lived in PA... I still do) I helped him... I bought the things he needed for his shaving kit.

I didn't discover anything until December 5, 2004. When I found her phone number and confronted him, which he denied. Later that weekend, I checked it again (you know that nagging feeling that something's not right?) and found he changed her name to a man's name. He changed it again but I found that one too. The man was too stupid not to leave his cell phone where I could get my hands on it. I told him I'd have all her info in a matter of days. I did. Inside 24 hours, I had her name, address, phone number and directions to her house. She's lucky I didn't get her SS#.

I did everything I could to save my marriage. I even took the blame for his cheating. It took me the better part of a year of therapy to realize that I wasn't at fault.

Anyway, he finally left on Jan 24, 2005, to "live with his brother, Ken, to figure all this out." I later learned he had been living with "her" just about from the beginning. Greg had no intention of trying to save our marriage. But I honestly thought he'd "come to his senses" and come home. I found out on Easter Sunday 2005 that they were together (he was coming home every other weekend but sleeping on the sofa... a BIG problem for me). That day nearly killed me.

In order for me to get into that bed every night, by myself, I started drinking... a lot. Every night, for about 3 months, I'd drink a magnum bottle of wine or 1/2 a fifth of rum and get drunk enough to go to sleep. I have no idea how I was able to go to work or function at all. I nearly lost my job because every time I saw a couple in their 40s or 50s holding hands I'd start to cry and have to get sent home (I'm a waitress). Thank God my boss had been through this himself and was VERY understanding. I was so completely devastated by all this that I honestly thought I would die without this man in my life! (how stupid is THAT?) My brother told me that this would be the hardest thing I'd ever go through, and he's right. This was harder than my parents' dying. It actually would have been easier to cope had my husband died.

I'd find myself doing things like driving down the highway in our town at 80MPH thinking, "if I got into an accident, he'd realize he still loves me and come home." THANK GOD I never had an accident! See? I was doing stupid things.

After about 3 months, I FINALLY realized that I was slowly killing myself and stopped drinking altogether for a year or more. (I can have a glass of wine or a drink or 2 now and I'm fine). After a while, I realized that I was laughing sometimes and having a good time with friends or co-workers. I was finally coming out of the terrible depression I was in!

It took 3 years of therapy, 2 years of anti-depressants and meeting a terrific man who I met about 2 years after my separation and today I'm great!!!

And Greg? He married that slut and when their marriage breaks up, I'm throwing a party! I always hoped he'd realize the error of his ways and beg me to let him come home... just so I can tell him to go F himself. He travels a lot for his job. I'm so tempted to call her up and ask her, "When Greg is away in VT on business, who do you think he's sleeping with?" But I don't. I just hope it nags at her mind though.

So what keeps me fighting is I make sure John knows every single day that I love him, and he tells me. It's something that I didn't hear for the last 20 years of my marriage. And I make sure I mean it each and every time I say it or show it.

Ah, Spring!!

It's 65 degrees fahrenheit in Pottstown, PA today (that's 18.3 degrees celsius to everyone else in the world) and I saw my first robin. Spring is coming!!!

John's newest cancer update

OK, I just typed an entire long entry and I just lost the whole fucking thing. I am so pissed!!!!!!! This is a shorter version.

John saw the Lymphoma specialist at the Perlman Center at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital today. He had all his CDs of his CT scans and PET scans. Dr. Swaab's office sent all his medial records (his file is at least 9 inches thick!)

Some background: In June 2007, John was diagnosed with Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma of his neck, chest, left side near his spleen, a mass on his liver and a mass on his spine. He underwent 7 treatments of chemotherapy, 3 weeks apart for 6 months. After 2 treatments, the mass on his spine was gone. After 7 treatments (April 2008), he was declared in remission. Fast forward 6 months, to October 2008. CT scan and PET scan show the cancer is back, on his spleen. In January 2009, they remove the spleen, scans show the cancer is gone again.

John's regular oncologist wanted a second opinion about the chances of the cancer coming back again. This new doctor (I don't know her name yet) said this type of cancer likes to come back repeatedly. Not good. They've decided to keep a closer eye on John, and check him every 3 months instead of 6 months. There was some talk of harvesting John's stem cells to be put back inside him at some point in the future. I don't understand that but I'm sure I'll learn!

John's doing ok mentally, emotionally. Not great but he's dealing with it. I'm ok, I guess. I put on a good face for him. I let my fears show here. No fancy colors tonight... I'm at Burger King online because I didn't pay my bill again and I have no internet until this weekend when I can put enough money in the bank to pay the fucking bill. I"ll be back here tomorrow. Ciao!

A Surprise Visitor

I woke up this morning to find my son's car parked in the street outside of my house. He does this from time to time. He shows up at home with no advanced warning. I guess he's on "spring break" HA! With snow covering everything! There are often times I never even see him while he's here. He wakes up after I leave for work and is gone when I get home.

I came downstairs one morning to find a girl asleep on the sofa. It was his ex-girlfriend. At least she wasn't asleep upstairs! Another time, I saw a boy asleep on the sofa and thought it was Tim. I was in a t-shirt and undies.... and guess what? It wasn't Tim! It was his friend, Bobby! And I didn't know it until I stepped out of the room with the computer and Bobby sat up! YIKES!!! Sorry Bobby! No way should you EVER be subjected to this body, scantily clad, especially when you first wake up!

I did peek in and Tim was alone in his room. And I'll be going to John's overnight, so chances are, I won't see him at all today. That just means his sister will be fighting with him and I don't have to listen to it. Oh trust me... she'll find something to bitch about at him. She always does... and it gives ME a break from it!

And yes, I'm fairly certain Tim is drunk in this picture. He's a college student and a Frat brother! Of course he's drunk in this picture! And in 2 weeks he'll be legal.

My Very First Totally Awkward Tuesday!

Yes, I am a Totally Awkward Tuesday virgin. But that is all changing today because today I have a VERY awkward story to tell. And my daughter just might vouch for it's authenticity.

This story takes place way back in April of 1995. That was the time when my daughter, Gina and I were bridesmaids in my youngest brother, Jimmy's wedding. Actually the wedding should have taken place in 1992, but Jimmy was, well... that's a story for another day.

My brother, Jimmy was getting married and his fiance', Laura asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. At the time I was 39 years old, way too old to be a bridesmaid in anyone's wedding but I agreed (that's not the awkward part). My older daughter, Gina was originally asked to be flower girl but since the wedding got postponed for 3 years, she ended up being a junior bridesmaid. Her dress, which originally was meant be floor length was now tea length because she hit a few growth spurts, as kids do when they age from 8 to 11. (this isn't the awkward part either)

Laura wanted our dresses to be made by private seamstresses, since I was living in PA and her sisters were living in CT and MA. The wedding was to take place in Springfield, MA. Laura picked out Laura Ashley patterns with Laura Ashley print material. Now, I am not a slender young woman. I was (and still am) a round, short middle aged mother of 3. The print and the pattern were so not appropriate for me! But I agreed to be in the wedding and as all bridesmaids do, I sucked it up and got a local seamstress to make my gown. Actually, now that I think about it, our dresses were tea length, not floor length.

To be fair, the woman was a professional seamstress and she did a lovely job on the dress. It fit like a glove.... on a fat lady. She thought it would be best if I wore one of those one-piece bra/girdle contraptions to make me look smooth all the way down my torso. I hadn't worn a girdle since I was in high school way back in the early 70's when my mother made me wear one (I think she was trying to ensure my virginity stayed in tact... have you ever tried to get one of those damned things OFF?? Impossible!!) But I digress....

So I bought a bra/girdle contraption and it did make my dress look smoother on me! This... thing has 3 snaps or hooks in the crotch that you have to undo and resnap/rehook closed again.

You know how, when you're in a wedding, you might get nervous? And when you get nervous you have to pee... a lot? Well, that was me. And I tried to pee and get that damned contraption hooked back up, but every time I reached back to grab it, I'd lose the front part. I'd get the front part in my hand and lose the fucking back part.

What's a girl to do? (here comes the awkward part) Well, she enlists the help of her 11 year old daughter to help her! Poor Gina had to go into the bathroom with me every time I had to go and rehook my crotch!!! She didn't want to do it. But I forced her, probably with threats through gritted teeth. I really felt bad for her, but what was I to do? If I let the damned thing stay unhooked, it would have rolled itself like a scroll right up my body! So Gina was my "dresser" for the that entire day! The kid deserves a medal! Really!

The first thing I did when I got back to PA was to throw the damned thing out! And it probably cost $40 or more back then! I also threw the dress out too. Like I was EVER going to wear that thing again! I did save Gina's dress and I think Danielle wore in on Easter one year.

Thanks to Ann at Ann's Rants for telling me I should post this story on Totally Awkward Tuesday! The lovely Tovah Darling is the host of Totally Awkward Tuesday! If you want to join and post your own very funny story, check it out on Tova's Blog!

Do you see dead people? I do... in my dreams

I'm totally stealing an idea I got from Vodka Mom.

There have been times throughout my life and the lives of those around me when in our dreams, or even in our waking states, our loved ones (and others) who have passed on before us have shown themselves to us. These are some of the stories.

My brother's wife, Pam, passed away in May 1995 from a cerebral hemorrhage. She was only 37 years old. In 1988 and again in 1991, she lost babies at birth. My brother had a tough time dealing with all this, but he had 2 other small children and an older daughter from a previous marriage and he had to get on with his life for his kids' sakes. One day, about a year after Pam passed away, Michael had a "waking dream". He swears he was awake when Pam appeared to him, dressed in a long white dress, sitting in a big rattan fan chair. On each knee she was holding a baby. She told Michael she was fine and she was taking care of MJ and Alex and he should get on with his life.

My mother appeared to my daughter in her room shortly after her death in 1999. Gina told me "Mama Gigi was in my room last night." I told Gina she was probably dreaming. Gina swears she was awake and my mother was playing with her hair. She told my mother to stop and mom went away. I don't know if my mom ever appeared to her again.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law have both been gone for many years (my MIL in 1971 and and my FIL in 1976). I never knew them. The summer of 1996 we went to Sea Isle City, NJ for a week for vacation. One afternoon, my then husband, Greg went back to the house with my daughter, Dani (could have been Gina... I can't remember for sure) for lunch. As he was waiting to cross the street, a woman rode past them on a bike. The woman looked at our daughter, looked at Greg, smiled and nodded as if giving her approval. He swears it was his mother.

My in-laws came to me in a dream some years ago. In the dream, they wanted to meet our kids, so they got permission to come down from heaven and spend the day with us. It didn't seem at all strange to me (but what does seem strange in a dream? everything makes perfect sense in the dream state)

I do dream about my mother and father, always separately in dreams. I have no details of the dreams I had, but I remember dreaming about them from time to time. My mother is always old and my father is always much younger. (my dad passed in 1980 and my mom in 1999)

My ex-husband and I owned a restaurant in Kutztown, PA from August 1997 to December 2002. The building was built in 1740 with an addition added on in the 1800s. The building is said to be haunted by Suzanna Levan Kemp. Suzanna was born in that house, lived there her entire life and died in the house. Her husband, George Kemp purchased the house from her father, Daniel Levan. The place was run as an Inn for generations. John Adams spent the night (this is documented) as well as Martha Washington (allegedly).

There were lots of weird things going on as we were doing renovations on the place prior to opening. My daughter, Gina swears she could smell lavender when she was upstairs reading (the building was musty from being closed up, so the smell of flowers would be odd). We had things moved from one room to another while we were gone from the building. Too many weird things happened to talk about in detail or this blog would be so long! Things settled down once we opened. One waitress, Dawn, swears Suzanna was standing outside the upstairs bathroom one day (but Dawn was a drunk and a liar so we never believed her LOL). But there were often times, I'd come out of the kitchen and walk down the hall past this one small room, aptly named the Suzanna Room and I swear I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a woman in a long blue dress standing in front of the fireplace. When I'd go back to check, the room would be empty.

There were a few times I had to spend the night at the restaurant (we had a sofa upstairs in the office for such emergencies) because of impending snowstorms, when I wouldn't be able to get there in the morning. I do admit, I was a bit freaked out each time, afraid Suzanna would make an appearance and I'd drop dead in horror, but thankfully she never did (maybe she knew this and didn't want company for all eternity). To settle my nerves, I'd get lock the place up tight, get ready for bed (usually in a sweatsuit), make a big blenderful of margaritas, grab a yummy dessert out of the fridge and watch tv in the bar until I was "medicated" enough to get some sleep.

So, does anyone have an good ghost stories to tell?

Wacky Weather

Ok, it's still February... it's still winter. Mother Nature is trying to fu mess with our heads. The lady has a sick sense of humor. Earlier this week, it was winter. No snow, mind you, but the temps were in the 30s during the day and down to the teens and 20s at night. We expect this. We don't really like it but we live with it because it's winter.

Little by little, the temps were rising during the week.. high 30s, then low 40s. Today, it was 60 degrees in Pottstown! 60!! My daffodils think it's time to rise and shine! My trees are trying to bud. I saw birds today in my trees! Then I saw the weather forecast for the next 5 days. shit. We had a little rain but the temps stayed steady. Tomorrow? clouds arriving. high 40, low 29. Sunday SNOW! high 35, low 20. Monday snow in the morning, high 35, low 21. Tuesday high 37, low 19.

Actually the "wintry mix" will begin Saturday night. GRRR!!!!! I know we haven't had much snow all winter and that's ok with me! And I know other parts of the country really got dumped on this year. But the nice weather gave me a false sense of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Now winter is coming back. And I hate it. shit.

I promise not to complain too much about the heat this summer.

What it means to be Irish

I was going to save this for closer to St. Patrick's Day but, frankly, I don't feel like thinking tonight. So here ya go! Enjoy and Tabhair póg dom. Tàim Eireannach.

What It Means To Be Irish and Have an Irish Family

1) You will never play professional basketball. (at 5' maybe, i don't think so!)

2) You swear very well. (WTF?)

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun or uncle who's a priest. (I used to own a restaurant/bar, one of my brothers was a fireman and my oldest siser is a nun lol)

4) You think you sing very well. (not since Sr. Mary Leo told the class I sing like a frog!... mean old bitch)

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short! (hey! I resemble that remark!)

6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone... (my ex should thank the gods there's no gun in my house)

7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin.

8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (Catholic guilt forever!). (Now I know why I have bad knees!)

10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers. (and painfully honest)

11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot. (I'll tell you stuff I'd never tell sober)

12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.

13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations. (hahaha!!!)

14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen ... and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen . (cousin Eileen, niece Catherine, sister Anne Marie ..close enough)

15) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.

16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking. (so true)

18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are ... but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.

20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.

21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully . Then you probably know McMurphy. (my last name is Mack! Really!)

22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget every thing but the grudges!

24) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'

25) All of your losses are alcohol-related (loss of driver's license,loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from a punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

26) Your skin's ability to tan.... not so much. (nah, I'm black Irish... I tan)

27) You met your husband/wife/significant other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. in a bar/pub. (met my ex-husband in a bar)

28) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.

29) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.

(I have 4 brothers, 3 sisters, 4 spouses of sibs, 3 kids, 6 nephews, 5 nieces, 5 spouses of those kids, 5 great nephews and 4 great nieces. 45 minutes is a conservative figure!)

30) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other (not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other. (yup!! 2 brothers!)

And the winner is....

So, last week, I wrote a post on Peeps, and Amy from The 4th Frog Blog suggested that I turn my post into a Peeps give-away. I thought it was a brilliant idea and wished I had thought of it myself. But I'll give credit where credit is due, so yes, it was all Amy's idea!

So I counted up the folks who left comments on my post and used random dot org to choose a number for me and I have a winner! Actually, since it was all Amy's idea to do a give-away, I'm sending her an Easter peeps Package. And the other winner is Heather at a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous!

So ladies, I'll be mailing out packages by week's end. Congratulations and enjoy your peeps and try a few stale! They're great that way!