Friday, December 4, 2009


My ex-husband has our kids for Thanksgiving AND Christmas dinner every year. No one even asks me what I'm doing for those holidays. They just ASSUME I'm going to my sister's house. The kids are usually at home until it's time to drive to that toxic waste dump that is the state of New Jersey, so I do get to see them for a little bit.

The first year we were separated, I had nowhere to go on Christmas Day. My friend, Ruth Ann TOLD me, not invited me... TOLD ME I was coming to her house because I was not to be alone on that day. (my kids could have found me dead drunk that night if I had stayed home) I thank God for Ruth Ann. I had a nice time.

The past few years I went to John's brother's for dinner, but this year, we're going out for dinner. His sister is in charge of the plans.

For the record, I'll be seeing my oldest on the day after Christmas because she has to juggle her time among me, the bastard and her boyfriend's family. And I'm fine with that.

We have a "tradition" at our house on Christmas Day. We have Pillsbury Grands cinnamon buns and orange juice and coffee while we open our gifts. I didn't even know it was a tradition until one of my girls asked me if I was going to get them for breakfast a few years ago.

I just got a text message from my ex, asking me what my plans were for the kids on Christmas. His brother is hosting dinner, and he'd like the kids to go to his house for brunch first. That lying cheating bastard is taking the last part of the holiday from me. I could say no but my 2 younger kids (21 and 19) will go anyway. Apparently everyone has forgotten that he cheated on me with that slut he married and everyone is supposed to be friends with her now. I even think my youngest has a relationship with her just to stick it to me because she doesn't like John and that's my punishment for being with him.

Wow. I am really worked up about this.


Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Breathe in, breathe out.

This too shall pass...

What doesn't killus makes us stronger....

My tools of the last few months, hope they help a little bit Joanie. I am so sorry and send you hugs.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh Joanie, as I've already told you, I think this is so unfair. It would make me mad too.
But Pseudo is wise. And you are SO strong.
Your kids obviously love you very much and treasure your breakfast tradition. Can you tell them (and the damn Ex) how important that is for you?
*big hugs*

Oh My Goddess said...

I do not blame you one bit!

We alternate holidays. So he had Thanksgiving this year, and I will have Christmas.

But I held an early Thanksgiving this year with my daughter the weekend before the official one. So she had two T-days this year. It's how we cope.

Matty said...

Families can be endearing, or blood pressure breakers.

It's interesting. Our tradition is cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning.

Alix said...

Easy girl, easy. Don't give him the power to mindf*ck you too. Why not ask the kids what they want to do. Save the "tradition" for when they can give you their undivided attention. And see what happens. Maybe they don't want the dad marathon as much as you think they do.

I really like your cinnamon rolls and orange juice thing. Maybe Casa Hice should try that this year.


Kat said...

Joanie I think it is time for a conference call with your kids. You need to tell them how important the tradition is to you. They are smart kids, they'll do the right thing.

Eternal Lizdom said...

It's tougher because the kids are adults... but I think you need to let them know just how important it is to you to have them at your home that morning. Don't communicate with him... just with your kids.

Martha in PA said...

Take a deep breath! Big hugs!
I can only imagine how hard it must be. I have not had to deal with those issues since Tara's dead, my ex, is not in her life.

Joanne said...

This all just sucks!! My husband's family is like yours - dad left for younger wife - tons of drama and shit and the kids just don't see him at all. They are non-issues at Christmas.

Living well is the best revenge and you are doing wonderful (looking in)

Rachel Cotterill said...

Heya *hugs* you should definitely talk to your kids, I'm sure they would hate to think they were upsetting you. My parents are (amicably) divorced and it's so tough with Christmas, you always feel like you're letting someone down. Make sure it isn't always one sided.

Nina P. said...

I agree Breathe. Let go and Breathe. No one can really mentally control another person without their permission. My sister let her X mentally control her by letting her anger of her X changing plans get the best of her and her son. Her day, week, etc.. was ruined "because of the X" ... well not really.. it was because she allowed herself to be emotionally manipulated (once again) and therefore mentally crippled by him. Any joy of an event was zapped out because she held anger and resentment against her X. Once she realized it wasn't him having control over her it was her letting him get to her she started to turn things around and her life situations improved. She Let Go and Let God and learned to breathe on her own again...
Things are going much better now. She's much happier and well, if my 18 year old nephew makes the decision to go with his dad instead of with my sister.... It truly is OK. Sooner or later he will see through the double talk and broken promises of his father and get tired of it. Until then, he still has lessons to learn (as did my sister for a while). Now that my sister is empowered herself by emotionally detaching from her X, she is also showing my nephew by example. For years her X mentally controlled her and she allowed it to be so. (all too easy to do as we want to please the ones we love and make them happy and love us back) Now, she has her self-esteem back and she let's God run things and her life is much happier for it. Thank God your !@#$%%^ X is just that.... your X. By example your kids will see the love that you now have with John is true and that your happiness is contagious! Blessings to you and yours. Love and Light, Nina P

ps. and yes it is also good to rant and write and get it out.... and where better than here where you have the love and support of your blogworld friends.

Ice Queen said...

I have several thoughts about this:

1. The toxic waste dump that is the state of New Jersey? That maybe a little harsh...remember that there are some good guys over here too! (I understand where you're coming from with this thought and I'll let it go)

2. I didn't forget that he cheated on you with that f***ing skank! Bitch!

3. My mom also makes grands cinnamon buns with juice and coffee/tea on Christmas morning! That's so crazy!

4. I love you dearly and I'm offering for you to adopt me. I'll hate your ex and defend you to my adopted siblings.

xoxo Your Queenie =)

Joanie M said...

I lives in NJ for 3 1/2 years. I could not wait to get out of there.

Funny your family has the same tradition I did and it was me being lazy and not wanting to cook breakfast on Christmas morning. Your mom is cool!

Sure! I'll adopt you@ Then I'll have 2 Queenies at my house! My oldest daughter's name is Regina and that means Queen!

Karen said...

I'm so sorry, Joanie! It really sucks that he had to go and take that away from you and that the kids don't realize how you feel.

My parents split up when I was 9. We traded off the holidays and I always hated being with my dad because I knew my mom didn't always have anywhere to go. I couldn't do that to her, so as soon as I had a say in the matter, I stopped going to my dad's for major holidays.

mo.stoneskin said...

Sounds a nightmare. But you'll get through it!

Garret of Jim and Garret said...

I'm mad for you! Just remember, your kids could say no. I hate to throw blame around but don't keep looking past your kids. They're adults.

Next year, leave all their asses in the cold and you and John take a Christmas cruise to the Caribbean!