AARP... at it's best

Questions and Answers From AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

 A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible.  Is that true? Where can it be  found? 

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:  "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly: wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?  

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter  antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

She's Going Down!!!

I got a phone call today, from a local police detective.  He wanted to know if I had charges on my credit card that I didn't make.  It turns out a salesgirl from the gift shop across the hall from the restaurant I work, took the numbers off my card when I was buying a wallet a few weeks ago.  She was the one who stole my identity and spent $2200 of my hard-earned alimony and car insurance money to buy cell phones and electronics and stuff for her pets.  

The detective had no idea of all this and he came to me in a very round about way.   This gal got a job at the gift shop just a few weeks before.  She told them a sob story about not being able to buy food and the abusive boyfriend she wanted to get away from.  They gave her a job.  Three weeks later, they fired her because she was such a screw up.   They had no idea about me when they fired her.

Apparently, this gal was wanted by the local police.  When they called her, the number she had listed as her home number was the gift shop she had been working at.  So, they went to the gift shop and found out she had been fired.  they asked the owner if any merchandise was missing.  The owner said they thought she stole a watch but they weren't sure what, if anything, else was taken.  Then they asked if they had any issues with credit cards.  As far as they knew, there was no problem with credit card fraud.

So the local police went to her apartment and she was there and they arrested her.  In questioning her, they asked if she stole any credit cards while she was working.  She admitted yes, just one.  She couldn't remember the name but it was a waitress at the Fridays across the hall from the gift shop.  So the police call the restaurant and ask my boss if he knew of any of his staff who had a credit card stolen.  "Funny you should ask!"  and he gave them my name and phone number.

The detective called me and I told him that several weeks ago, my identity had been stolen and someone got my debit card numbers and wiped out my checking account in a matter of 1 hour.  I told him that it was all internet sales and I gave him the names of some of the purchases.  he said, "Yup!  That's our girl!"

I tell you, the adrenaline was a  pumpin' in my body!!!  I got sooo excited that they actually caught the bitch who stole my money and they had her in custody!!!  I went straight down to the police station with my paper work from the bank, listing all the fraudulent charges. 

The detective told me she was wanted in Montgomery County (where I live), Chester County (where I work) and Bucks County.  She's also wanted in Michigan and as soon as we're finished with her, she's being shipped off to Michigan to face charges there.  I was also told she has been arrested in 6 other states!

So that has been my exciting day!  Whew!  Now I need a nap!

Totally Awkward Tuesday: The Sleepover Party

Tova Darling has a funny feature that she does on Tuesdays called Tova's Totally Awkward Tuesday. She invites you to participate by telling a story about an awkward event in your life or of someone around you.  

**note: apparently, Tova hasn't done TTAT in a while, but the story is still awkward and funny.  It'll be even more awkward if his kids read this but I'm fairly sure I successfully blocked them from seeing this via networked blogs (I hope, I hope)

Today I have a totally awkward story to tell.  This story popped into my head when Laura at Under The Sheets~shhh wrote a blog post about Sleepover parties and invites readers to tell of their own sleepover party memories.  I thought, "Oh Lord!  Sleepovers were about 40 years ago!  I'll never come up with a story for this!"  Then I remembered ....

It was about 13 or 14 years ago.  I was married at the time, as was my sister-in-law (we got over that).  My husband, his brother, and 2 of our neighbors were taking a trip to SC for a golf weekend.  I was a stay-at-home-mom, as was my sister-in-law.  We decided to have a sleepover weekend with the kids.  SIL has 2 kids who were about 6.  They were born right smack in between 2 of my kids.  Tim was 8 and Danielle was 5.  Gina was about 12.  She invited her friend, Shelby over for the weekend.  So we all had someone to hang out with!

Lots of Disney movies, soda, snacks, pizza for the kids.  Beer and wine coolers for me and my SIL.  The kids are all nestled in their jammies, watching movies and SIL and I are in the kitchen, talking, drinking, slowly getting hammered.

SIL has just enough beer in her that she starts telling me stuff she'd never say sober.  She tells me that she thinks her hubby is up to something.  He won't give her the password to his AOL account and she can't get online(this was before everyone had their own accounts)   She tells me she has tried every combination of words and dates to try to get online to see what her hubby was up to.

So I ask her what his screen name is.  She tells me.  Oh yeah!  By his screeen name, I can tell that he's up to something alright! 

So I tell my SIL, his password has to be something easy, something he'll remember.  Now I'll be good here and not give his password or what his job was because there are some folks who just might know him! (note to self:  delete this entry on facebook as soon as it shows up.... those twins are my facebook friends!)  

Now remember, I've been drinking for a couple of hours and I'm feeling no pain at this point.  I try one word in his place of employment... nada.  I try the second word in his place of employment... WELCOME!!  Oh shit!!!!  We're in!  I swear, I never sobered up so fast in all my life!!!

We found out he was hanging out in a chat room, coming on to all the females in the place!  We also read his email (I know, I know ... it was wrong, but...)  We found out he was emailing this chick named Dee who lived in the next town and they were having a cyber affair!  They talked dirty to each other every day! Then, Brother-in-law started asking her if she would meet him in person (oh, did I fail to mention we checked his mail for 6 months and the man had no idea???  my ex-in-laws are not as sharp as I used to think)  Dee was NOT agreeable to that!  She said she was happily married and wasn't willing to risk it.

At some point in the summer, my SIL and her family were camping and BIL got pissy about something SIL was doing or not doing.  So she asked him why didn't he see if DEE wanted to do that?  He nearly shit a brick!  He tried turning the whole thing around on SIL, telling her it was all her fault and he needed to go elsewhere for "affection".  What an ass!  They eventually got divorced (surprise!!! he was cheating!)

And the way I knew he was coming on to all the women in the room?  For fun, I used to change my screen name to a variation of my name (Siobhan (gaelic), Giovanna (italian), Johanna (german), Jeanne (french).  Within a minute or so, he would message me, and try to get me to talk dirty to him.  I never played along (I'm not real good at that stuff.... I'm a good girl, I am!)

I'd love to tell that ass that I knew about his affair with Dee and how he came on to me so many times!

John Update... and blog awards!

It's been a little while since I did an update on how John is doing. 

You all know he went into the hospital on August 21 for his stem cell transplant to try to kill,once and for all, the Lymphoma that keeps coming back.  He had 5 days of intense chemo and on August 28, John had his stem cell transplant.  Twelve days later, on September 9, John was released from the hospital and came home to my house for recuperation.  On September 21, one month to the day he entered the hospital, John went back to work at his job as a security officer for a chemical company.  He chose not to return to his job tutoring kids at Huntington Learning Center for the time being.  He may go back one day.

Since John has gone back to work, his strength is coming back and he seems like his old self again!   He's working full time and not tiring like he thought he might.  More than three years have gone by since we met and more than two years since he was diagnosed with cancer. 

John's hair is growing back with a vengeance!!!  His eyebrows are back as well as his eyelashes!  Believe it or not, I think he's most happy that his nose hairs have grown back!  John had the biggest problem with his nose running and his doctor told him it was because he had no nose hairs!  His poor nose was getting sore from all the blowing and wiping!  The hair on his head is coming back rather quickly too.  He also needs to shave every day again.  John has a very heavy beard and he probably could shave twice a day.  All summer long, he shaved MAYBE once a week!  It was like he was 16 again!   I think he liked that he didn't have to shave very often. 

John had a doctor appointment last Tuesday and he had a good report.  No problems were detected and his blood counts were all good.  He was supposed to have a PET scan done tomorrow (Tuesday), but his insurance (stupid Tri-care) hasn't given the okay yet, so he had to cancel it.  His doctor is now talking to the insurance company to get it scheduled.  They can OK a stem cell transplant with cost Lord knows how many thousands of dollars and not OK a PET scan to check to see if the cancer is gone!  That's just stupid!!!

So as soon as we find out about the PET scan, I'll let you all now how he's doing.  I sure hope it shows an all clear!  It would really suck if he went through all of that and not have the cancer gone for good!


Alix, my good friend at Casa Hice, bestowed the Lovely Blog Award on me the other day.  I'm flattered and she likes my blog enough to give me this award!  

I have to name blogs that I just love, but I love all the blogs I follow.  So everyone, grab this button and give yourself a big round of applause and put this award on your blog!

Also!  About 2 weeks ago, Angela at The Suburban Jungle gave me this great Lemonade Stand Award!  I have a chain of lemonade stands now!  Thanks Angela!

 

Facebook Quiz

Laura at Under The Sheets~shhh  had this fun little quiz on her blog.  I decided to play along.  You can too, if you'd like!   
Do you take Facebook quizzes, surveys and accept gifts from your Facebook friends? I usually don't, but was recently sent this quiz and thought it would be a fun way for us to get to know each other better. Be sure to play along and link back.

Are you ready for this creative and in-depth interview...

Facebook Fun

1. What is your favorite color?

Green.  Emerald and Kelly green

2. When is your birthday?

September 21

3. The book on your nightstand now?

The Vendetta Defense by Lisa Scottoline

4. Favorite pizza?

Hawaiian (ham and pineapple)

5. Top hobby?

Internet

6. One thing that scares you?

Heights

7. What drives you?

Poverty

8. Pet peeves?

loading the dishwasher wrong.  more but my mind is blank right now

9. Last movie you saw in the theater?

Law Abiding Citizen

10. Morning person or late night owl?

Night person because I don't have to be at work until 11 am.

11. What are you wearing right NOW?

brown slacks, blue top, brown clogs

12. One outrageous thing you did in the last week?

can't think... I'm boring!

13. Cats or dogs?

Cats.  I have 2, Cameron (gray striped tabby/siamese) and Mason (black short-haired domestic)

14. Favorite fragrance?

Estee Lauder Intuition

15. Camping or Luxurious Spa?

Spa

16. Favorite tea?

Green tea, no sugar or cream

17. One person who can ALWAYS make you laugh?

My friend, Tina.  She once made me wet my pants!

18. Favorite time of the day?

If John's here, the mornings.  Alone, the evenings

19. One thing you look forward to?

When John and I can move in together

20. One place you wanna visit soon?

Alaska

Now its your turn to take this Facebook quiz and be sure to link back to Under The Sheets~shhh. If you let me know about your interview/post, I promise to link back. Isn't this a fun weekend post? Were you surprised by any of my answers?

I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!!!!

I came home from work today and saw that there was a package for me on my front steps.  Could it be???

YES!!!!  It was my prize package from Vodkamom!  I won the Vampire's Assistant prize package!

Inside, this is what I found:

A backpack, a Vampire's Assistant tee shirt, the book, a mirror and a $50 gift card to Fandango!!

Pretty cool stuff!!!  Thanks a bunch Vodkamom!!!!  We'll be able to see several movies on that gift card!  I have to give the tee to my kid... they sent a petite.  I haven't seen petite since I was 18 years old! 

Pssst!!!  I have a Dear So and So right below this post.  Go on... give it a look!

Dear So and So....

Dear Asshole Who Stole My Identity,

Why in God's name did you think you were going to get away with trying to use my credit card again??   Not only did you attempt to use it, but you attempted about 6 times!  What an ass!  Of course we changed account numbers within hours of your initial larceny.  I hope they find your ass and toss it in jail for a long, long time.

Still pissed,

Joan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bratface,

Tonight is your opening night of your very first college play!  I'm so proud of you, even if you ARE playing a dead slut!  I can't wait to see you and the play next Saturday!  Break a leg!!!

Love,

Mutti

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Phillies,

Thanks for a great season and even greater post-season!  We really enjoyed the games.  Too bad you weren't able to win the World Series 2 years running, BUT you did make it to the World Series 2 years running and not too many teams can make that claim!  Good luck next season!

A fan,

Joanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Yankees,

You lucked out.

A Phillies fan,

Joanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Captain Morgan,

Thanks for the buzz!!!!

Mellow,

Joanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Halloween Candy,

I'm so glad you're finally gone from my house!  Of course, I ate every single piece of you, but you're gone.  Next year, either I make sure I'm not home on Halloween, or I buy really crappy candy that I hate. 

Stuffed and bloated (urp!)

Joanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bathroom Scale,

Get the hell out of my face!  No way in hell am I stepping on your for at least a few weeks!

Wobbling,

Joanie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Readers,

If you enjoy these Dear So and So's on Fridays, try your own hand at one!  Pop on over to Kat's place, grab her button and put it on your blog!  Put your name on Mr. Linky and you'll be linked right up!  C'mon!  You know you want to!

I've learned....

I've learned....

~ that I don't mind getting older. 

~ that caffeine is my friend.  I really enjoy my morning coffee!  

~ that I hate working outdoors and was very very happy that my neighbor insisted on doing my yard work all summer.

~ that I'm basically lazy.  

~ that I really don't like the cold weather any more.  I don't like paying for heating oil, or shoveling snow.

~ that I enjoy living by myself.  It's the first time in 29 years that I'm living alone and I'm enjoying it! 

~ that I enjoy having John here on the weekends. (I didn't say I wanted to be alone all the time!)

~ that I shouldn't have bought so much Halloween candy.

~  that I forgot how much I like Captain Morgan Spiced Rum!

~ that I really need to start cooking for myself more often and eat healthier.

~ that I've procrastinated long enough and I need to get this ass in gear and get some stuff done around here! 


OK, so I did 11.  Sue me.

Over The Top Award!!!

 Martha at The Daily Grind is actually a "neighbor" in real life.  Actually Martha lives near John.  It's fun to read her blog and her other blog about things to do and places to see in her neck of the woods.  Thanks Martha!  This award is terrific!

Well, Martha very nicely bestowed this terrific award on me!  You're right, Martha, it DOES take the sting out of our Phils not working up to par.  Perhaps tonight things will change for the better (GO Cliff Lee!!!)

I have rules I need to follow in accepting this award.  And here they are:

The rules of this award are as follows:
~Answer the questions below using only one word (it's harder than it seems!)
~Thank the blogger who gave it to you (See above)
~Pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers (See below)

So, on with the questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? charging.

2. Your hair? ......brown.   

3. Your mother? Deceased
4. Your father?.....Deceased
5. Your favorite food? ......steak
6. Your dream last night?.....yeah! 
7. Your favorite drink? DietCoke 

8. Your dream/goal? ..... Happiness
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? .....internet
11. Your fear? ..... dying
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?..NC?
13. Where were you last night?.....John's 

14. Something you aren't?.....Thin
15. Muffins? .....orange
16. Wish list item? ......Netbook
17. Where did you grow up?...... Pennsylvania
18. Last thing you did?...... phone
19. What are you wearing? ...... uniform
20. Your TV? .Sony 54" HDTV
21. Your pets? ....... cats 

22. Your friends? ......terrific!
23. Your life?......Happy
24. Your mood? ......Content
25. Missing someone? ......yeah
26. Vehicle? ......Vibe!!!
27. Something you're not wearing? ...... corset
28. Your favorite store? .......Boscov's
29. Your favorite color? ......green
30. When was the last time you laughed? ......Today
31. Last time you cried? ...awhile. 
32. Your best friend?.....Tina
33. One place that I go over and over? .......Park
34. One person who emails me regularly?.......brother 

35. Favorite place to eat? ..... Lancer's

I am now supposed to pass this on to six people - this is hard, so many great blogs, hard to choose only 6!

1. Joan @ The Retirement Chronicles

2. Daria @ Living With Cancer

3. Liz @ Eternal Lizdom

4. Michelle @ Confessions of a Desperate Housewife

5. Petra @ The Wise Young Mommy
6. Joanne @ Joanne Moving Forward - At Half Speed

P.S.  a funny (to me anyway) thing to add here.  Today I saw a reply on one of my posts by a Pam (that is the name of my ex's future ex-wife)  and my Feedjit Live Update had someone from Marlton, NJ who stopped by.  Fortunately I was wrong and Pam is a lovely lady from Canada.  Otherwise I might have had to put a little fiction in my blogs to stir things up across the Delaware River.

 

My One Year Blogiversary!!

October 31 is actually my blogiversary!   In that time, I've managed to get 100 followers and write 257 posts ( with this one being 258, but it's really the day AFTER my blogiversary.)  I always knew I was a chatterbox, but even I'm surprised by how many blog posts I wrote!

I have written about my kids (love you Gina), bragged about them, bitched about them.  I've written about my marriage, and how it fell apart, the evil step-mother, meeting John, and about his journey through 2 years of cancer treatment.  I've written about my job, vacations, my hopes for the future. 

I've made so many wonder people here, I can't even describe it properly.  Some of you have helped me clean off my monitor on a regular basis (I really need to stop drinking coffee while I'm online).  I've laughed with you, cried with you, gotten pissed a time or two.  

I've virtually traveled the US (Thanks Garret and Jim!), learned about far-off places (Thanks Braja and Lilly and Pseudo!).  I celebrated great achievements with you (congrats Vodkamom with your 1100+ followers in a year, and , Alix with your fabulous weight loss and Janie with getting a great new job so quickly, Ryan and Cole with your beautiful new baby).  I've met folks who live right around the corner (Hi Matty, Martha and Danielle!)

I could go on and on and probably link each and everyone of you up in some way or another, but I'm really hungry.  Maybe that'll be my goal for this week... to thank each and every one of you for a wonderful first year!