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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Kid's Eye View Of The Bible


Can you imagine yourself to be the nun who is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and the spelling. It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test. Kids were asked questions about the Old Testament and the New Testament. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.


2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF
ARK. NOAH BUILT THE ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING
THE NIGHT

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.


5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.


6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.


7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .


8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.


10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND
STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.


14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE! CONTRAPTION.


18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.


20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.


22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.


23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS
ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

16 comments:

Jan said...

Okay, I chuckled through the whole thing until I got to #24. Now I'm having to wipe tears off of my face; I just lost it.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I am laughing out loud! This is very funny. Thanks for sharing. I stopped by via Lilly's blog. You're terrific. I'll be back soon.

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

hehe funny!!!!!!!

musingwoman said...

Love these!!

And no wonder Solomon had so many wives. He needed them to take care of all those porcupines!

P.S. thanks for linking In Three Words. :)

Queen Bee said...

That made my day! I'm still giggling.

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

ok. you made me pee my pants.

dammit joanie.

Lisa said...

hilarious- i will put a link to it in my post for the day.......

Michelle said...

Oh my god! I am spitting coffee...heeheee

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Well that was too much fun. Thank-you Joanie.

notSupermum said...

Lisa sent me over. These are hilarious! Thank you.

Alix said...

Priceless, Joanie. Where do you come up with these gems?

Sprite's Keeper said...

You know, us modern day Jews have problems with the unsympathetic genitals too. Some things never change..

Tova Darling said...

Haha! I love this! Thanls for sharing. Thank you also for your good wishes for our move!

♥ Braja said...

Oh Joanie this KILLED me :))) I loved 3, 15, and 25 :))

Anonymous said...

This is a total crack up .Thank you for making my day !
Renata.
@ www.web- of- wyrd.blogspot.com

Strawberry Girl said...

kids may just have a lot more right than we think. ;p

Very funny!! :D