Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
We try to get together once in a while for dinner and a movie, sometimes at my house and sometimes out. Last night we met at Max and Erma's for dinner and then we went across the parking lot to Regal theater and saw He's Just Not That Into You.
Dinner was good. I had a Chocopeppermintini and she got rum and coke. Then we shared a quesadilla and each had a dinner salad. Good food, good service, nice waitress. I think I'd have liked that drink more if it didn't have the peppermint.
So off we go to the movie and it was a funny, true-to-form look at the lives of young (ish) men and women, looking for (or avoiding) love. Lots of "names" in this movie. Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johansson, a few faces I know but the names escape me (You know... the guys who are in a lot of stuff but you can never remember their names... doesn't matter as long as they're working, right?) The movie is somewhat predictable and that's ok. It's a chick flick. I'm not going to say anything specific about the movie. Don't want to ruin anything if y'all want to see it. I did like the movie a lot! It was very entertaining!
Speaking of chick flicks, there were a few guys in the theater and I had to laugh, thinking, do they know what they're getting into? Are they here in the hopes of getting laid later because they sat through this movie? Trying to impress a new date maybe? The fellow in front of us, as the credits were rolling, kept asking his movie companion, "Can't we go now?" LOL He was a good sport, I guess.
I don't ever ask John to go to these movies with me. That's what girlfriends are for. He goes to the Hobby Shop on Friday nights to play Dungeons and Dragons and I do the chick flick thing. This is good because he'd LOVE for me to go to the Hobby Shop with him and play D & D, but uh... no. BORING!!!!!! I'd rather have root canal.
There are some movies that could be considered chick flicks that he likes, but they are older movies, like Roman Holiday and An Affair to Remember.
He's very lucky that I like action, adventure, sci-fi, espionage, war movies. Last year, we went to see the newest Rambo movie (4? 5?). The story itself was ok, I guess, but it was so graphically violent (i.e. a guy got shot and his head exploded.... much like graphic novels or mature-rated video games). Halfway through the movie, I leaned over and whispered, "You owe me 2 chick flicks." He chuckled and he knew there was no way he was getting out of this one! So a few weeks later, I made him watch Must Love Dogs and Under The Tuscan Sun. (I love Diane Lane!) He thought they were ok, but it's gonna be while before I can get him to watch another one any time soon!
Some other movies I saw recently that I thought were very good were Taken with Liam Neeson, Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood (he does grouchy old man soooo well!!). We have plans to see The International soon and there's a lot of good stuff coming out (Harry Potter, Star Trek, Transformers, X-Men) did I mention I really like the movies based on comic books? and any John Wayne movie? a secret guilty pleasure is any Elvis Presley movie too. LOL
So what movies have you seen lately? want to see? hated? Inquiring minds want to know!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
And I even discovered some cool
It would take over 172 million Peeps bunnies end-to-end to circle the moon.
Just Born produces enough PEEPS® Brand Marshmallow Candies in one year to circle the Earth twice.
Over 70 million Peeps chicks lined up beak to tail are needed to reach from New York City to Los Angeles.
Each Peeps candy has only 32 calories and 0 grams of fat.
In the early 50s, it took 27 hours to make 1 Peep Chick. Today, it takes six minutes.
PEEPS® has been the #1 non-chocolate Easter candy in the U.S. for more than a decade.
PEEPS® chicks for Easter come in 6 festive colors--yellow, pink, lavender, blue,
green, and red.
Yellow is America’s best selling color of PEEPS® chicks and bunnies.
Everyone can now enjoy Sugar-Free PEEPS® that are sweetened with “Splenda®”.
All PEEPS® Brand Marshmallow Candies have 0 fat grams, are gluten free, and
are nut free.
PEEPS® Branded products have made celebrity appearances with the likes of Diane Sawyer, Emeril Lagasse, Ellen DeGeneres, and Reba McEntire.
People like to do curious things with PEEPS® ….eat them fresh or aged to
perfection, microwave them, freeze them, roast them, and even cook with them!
PEEPS® are “Always in Season!”™ Just Born manufactures seasonal PEEPS® shapes for Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween, & Christmas.
Ah! I'm getting on a sugar high just thinking about my Peeps!
Hey everyone! Amy at The 4th Frog Blog gave me a great idea! I'm going to turn this into a Just Born Easter Candy give-away! Tell me why you love Peeps or if you've never tried Peeps, how much you want to enjoy Peeps candy! I'll keep it open for the weekend and choose a winner on Sunday night. Good luck!
** Note: I checked out the website and discovered that Peeps are not Kosher (for those of you who follow a Kosher diet). Just sayin'. **
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
You know, you'd think I'd read my own typing. I did't realize until I read Liz's blog that i was supposed to give this to EIGHT people, not FOUR! Duh! So, in order to keep with the program, I'm adding these 4 folks who's stuff I love to read!
Alix at Casa Hice
Psuedo at Pseudonymous High School Teacher
Janie at Sounding Forth
Heather at mouthy irish woman? ridiculous!
It's really very difficult to choose!
He was such a little cutie.. all 9 lbs. 8 oz. of him. When he was born, via C-section (no way in hell was THAT big head coming out my body in the normal fashion!) Hey! I'm not being mean about his big head! When he was born the nurse said, "Wow! Look how big his head is!" It's just the way it was! He was having a bit of a breathing issue, so they wanted to put him in Neo-natal ICU. So there he was, my Timothy Gabriel, all 9 lbs. 8 oz. of him, beside the 3 lb premies. The kid looked like a moose next to those teeny babies! He was the talk of the nursery! (Wow! I wonder what's wrong with THAT baby! He's HUGE!)
Five years later, he went to Kindergarten. Tim has always been a bit of a dreamer. He was the kid looking longingly out the window on a nice day and totally missing what the teacher was asking him to do. sigh. Mrs. Dudek thought he wasn't ready for first grade and wanted me to keep him back in Kindergarten... BECAUSE HE COULDN'T SKIP! Um... Sue? I didn't teach him how to skip... he's a boy. I didn't think it was a requirement to continue his education.
Then came the summer of 7th grade. I'm at work at the restaurant that my then-husband and I owned (the hubby had gotten a job to pay the bills at home because owning a restaurant is oh-so-not profitable). My older daughter called..... Tim got arrested with 2 of his buddies, Max and Joe. I freaked out.... Greg thought it was hysterical. The boys had gone to Kmart and bought sling shots and paint balls and were shooting paint balls at cars. Personally I think the idiot at Kmart who sold 13 year old boys paint balls and sling shots should have gotten his ass arrested.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Are they gone? Ok then.....
I won't be around until Sunday evening because I am spending Saturday night and all of Sunday with my sweetheart, John. I'll be home sometime Sunday night. I have to be a cheap date this weekend because John is mucho broke since he missed 3 weeks of work due to his surgery. So it's pizza delivered and old movies on the DVD player. And that's fine with me! So with that being said, I love John because....
* you think I'm the best thing to come along since sliced bread.
* we are so much alike it's scary.
* we like all the same things... cherry pie, Star Wars movies, John Wayne, the list goes on and on.
* even after nearly 3 years, you can still make my heart beat faster just by walking in the room.
* you once showed up at my job with a dozen roses for no reason because you wanted everyone to know how you felt about me.
* you hold my hand in public all the time.
* you never let me walk on the street side of the sidewalk, just in case.
* you don't care when I don't shave my legs.
* when I had my cancer scare, you took me to the hospital for my surgery and stayed with me the whole time.
* you cried when I said I wouldn't bail on you when you found out you had cancer.
* because you tell me all the time how much you love me.
* you'll rub my back through an entire movie if I lean forward.
* you don't care that I gained some weight from stress.
* you want to get married yesterday.
* you aren't freaked out that I don't want to get married right now, or maybe never.
* you understand why.
* you treat me with respect always.
* you like my kids.... well 2 of them anyway. :)
* you served our country with honor for 20 years.
* you cry at movies.
* you open my car door for me, always.
* you put gas in my car. (that was huge when gas was $4.25 a gallon!)
* you don't fall asleep after, well... you know. ;)
* you make me feel like I'm 20 again.
OK, I could go on and on and on. They say love is sweeter the second time around, and I truly believe that now. I wish I had met this man 30-some years ago. I really believe we'd still be together today.
That's all. I'm finished. The others can come back in now.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
It was 4 pm, and I hadn't eaten since breakfast (yogurt and toast and coffee). My plan was to get Purdue already cooked chicken and romaine lettuce. I bought:
Purdue Chicken Shortcuts (because I'm lazy)
Romaine lettuce (bagged because I'm lazy)
Seasoned Croutons (because well, you know)
12 pack of Diet Coke with Lime (for me)
Hawaiian Punch (gallon) (for Dani)
6 pack of Deer Park water (for Dani's lunch)
Rye bread (for toast)
pound of Land O Lakes butter (for the rye bread, toasted)
southwest ranch dip (because yum!)
mini pretzels (to dip in the SW ranch dip)
M &Ms Premium Raspberry Almond candies (they're so-so, very not worth $3.99)
My bill? $37.58. My plan was to spend $10, tops. Sigh. Never go shopping when you're hungry.
At this rate, we'll NEVER get our phones turned back on!
OH! and the grocery stores are SOOOOOO mean!!! As soon as you walk in the store..... EASTER CANDY GALORE!!!! and the aisle directly ahead of it... VALENTINE'S DAY CANDY!!
I half expected to go around another corner and find Halloween candy.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I've been letting Java go out with the 2 big cats these past few days. Java is 6 months old. Cameron (gray tabby) and Mason (black domestic) are both 3 1/2 years old. Java has been staying in my yard and usually chases the other cats around, being the pesky little brother that he is.
This morning, all 3 cats go out at once. A little while later, I check on them and Mason comes strolling in. I ask him, "Where's your little brother? You're supposed to keep him with you." He looks at me with that "whatever" look and eats some food. About 30 minutes later, I look out the door and in strolls Cameron, alone. Now I'm getting nervous. "Cameron! Where is Java? He's supposed to be with you!" Cam looks at me and I swear he rolled his eyes and ran up the stairs.
So now I'm at the front door, at the back door, yelling "Java! Java!" and I'm in my too short flannel nightshirt. No Java anywhere. I'm really getting scared now because I just KNOW that Cameron let Java chase him to the other side of the neighborhood and then he ditched him!
So Mason is looking at me with his head tilted like "what is her problem?" I opened the door and told Mason, "You get out there right now and find Java and don't come back until you find him and bring him home!" Ten minute later, Mason is back home, at the front door, with Java in tow!!! Is this cat amazing or what!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Dr. Swaab now wants to keep a closer eye on him and see him in 3 months instead of 6 months. What they weren't sure of was if the cancer found on his spleen was a residual cancer that was hiding, or if it was a new outbreak. They want John to see a Lymphoma specialist at Fox Chase Cancer Center soon.
I need to do some research but John told me there was something with his T-cells... that possibly his immune system was attacking the cancer on his spleen? I'm guessing that was a good thing. Like I said, I want to do some research.
Dr. Swaab told John if they find more coming back, he'll need to do a different kind of chemo that will require him to be in the hospital for 5 days. I can only think this will make him extremely sick, so I hope he doesn't have to do this.
This is the first time I've had to deal with cancer this closely. My father died of cancer 30 years ago, but I was in my early 20s when he first got colon cancer. Dad seemed to bounce back easily. Then 2 years later, it was back with a vengeance and it was EVERYWHERE! They opened him up, shook their heads and closed him right up. He died a week later and we never told him he had cancer. Like I said, I was young, living my life, working. I didn't have to deal with Dad recuperating from his surgery... that was Mom's job. NOW I can see what it's like. And I have the 20 stress pounds on me to prove it! LOL But you know what? I'll keep doing it because I love him and he's worth it.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So we can't sell the house because with the economy, it's worth less than we owe and there is no money to pay for the difference. The other reason I can't put the house on the market right now is I have to wait until Dani leaves for college. The child is a slob like you cannot believe! I have given up. I can't keep the house clean for longer than maybe a day, most likely less than that. And when I go to John's overnight it's worse. I honestly believe she's punishing me for the divorce, for having a boyfriend who she despises, for her father marrying that
Friday, February 6, 2009
I just finished reading all the many many comments made by the participants and all I have to say is it's a damn good thing I wear Depends! I was very nearly wetting myself reading all that trash talk! If you want to see what I'm talking about, check this out and read the comments. I am so thoroughly amused by all this! I cannot wait to read their responses to the questions that Petra gave them to answer!
Good luck, gentleman and may the best man win!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Q 1. You work at TGI Friday's, right? (she loves the green beans appetizer... yummy!) anyway... Liz said tell me about your favorite kind of customer and the absolute worst kind of customer. If you could be doing any other job, what would it be?
Answer: Yes, I work at Friday's and next Wednesday will be my 6th anniversary there. I am a server, a coach, an in-store trainer and a shift leader.
My favorite kind of customer (we call them guests) are the regulars who come in, the ones we call by name. I know what they like to drink and often-times, will bring their drink to the table as I greet them. It helps when I remember how they like certain foods cooked, and their special orders. And that's why they ask to sit in my station.
The worst customers? The ones who run my ass over and over. The ones who expect to get all their food for free if the fries are cold. It's not MY fault you were outside on the cell phone or in the bathroom when your food arrived. And they will almost always give a bad tip. I've learned that businessmen are bad tippers. Hey guys! You have an expense account! You aren't even paying for this meal with your own money! Leave a decent tip and 10% is NOT a decent tip!!!
The rudest customers? (I know you didn't ask but I'm telling you anyway... I'm on a roll now!) The ones who will not shut up when I approach the table! I have things to do and one of them is not to be standing there like an idiot waiting for you to stop talking so I can at least get your friggin' drink order! And don't get me started on people on cell phones! I'll come back when you're finished your call. whew! OK, I'm done.
If I wasn't a server, I'd be a hairdresser. I used to be one, once upon a time and I was a damned good one too! Long story, but I got tired of having to start all over again with clientele. We moved a few times and the last time my license didn't get forwarded because too much time had passed. I had gone back to work after being home for 5 years, then promptly got pregnant with Dani, so I only worked for a year. I couldn't take standing behind a chair for hours any more. It's actually easier on my feet and legs and back to run around a restaurant than to stand in one spot for hours.
Q 2: You've had a lot of turbulence in your life over the past decade with the divorce and John's illness and your kids and them handling the divorce and your new relationship. What was the most peaceful time in your life? When were you the happiest? What made those times so good?
Answer: The most peaceful time in my life and when I was the happiest was when the kids were little and I was a stay-at-home-mom. I LOVED being home with my kids. I could volunteer at their school, go on field trips, we had play groups in the neighborhood. I had dinner ready every night and the housework was easier because I didn't have to try to balance a job and housework, etc. We joined the local pool and the kids and I would go every day.
The turbulence and divorce and John's illness all happened over the course of 5 years, although it seemed like it was longer. The divorce was really hard on all of us. I don't know if I did the right thing or not, but I told my kids the truth, that their father was having an affair and he was leaving me for her. I wasn't going to sugarcoat it for him. He was a prick and those kids were not going to blame me for his leaving. There are a lot of times when I wish he had left and not looked back. If I never saw him again, it would be ok with me.
My relationship with John is wonderful... as long as Danielle is not around. She hates him, plain and simple (she also hates her stepmother and only just met her a couple of months ago and they've been together for about 5 years now) Gina and Tim both like John. They can see that I'm happy again and they seem ok with it. Gina and Tim have both tried to talk to Dani about him, but she won't budge. I'd need pages and pages to explain all this and you all really don't need to "hear" it, so I'll leave it at that.
But I do love John because he makes me happy. He's weird, he's a geek, he's 56 years old and he plays Dungeons and Dragons on Friday nights. He's opinionated about politics (when he starts on one of his rants, I hear wah, wah, wah wah wah wah (the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons) and religion. He's a retired Army Airborne military man. He's a diehard Libertarian and disliked McCain and Obama intensely and loved Ron Paul. But with all that, to me, he's kind and gentle and loving and he makes sure I know it in no uncertain terms every day of my life.
Q 3: You seem to be an amazing mom for teenagers. I love how accepting you are of the drama that unfolds around you for your daughter's friends and that your daughter knows that her friends can find support and such in your home. Which also sends a message to your daughter that she has a place to fall when needed. Any advice on how you accomplish that or does it just come naturally? Does your daughter appreciate you being this way?
Answer: I really don't know how to answer this question. The 2 girls who came to my home are girls that I like. They respect me, they talk to me. If they weren't like that, they wouldn't have been there. Gina can tell you, I'm not opposed to throwing someone's ass out of my house if they piss me off! There were 2 of her friends who weren't allowed in my house for a number of years. One of them eventually grew on me. The other is just a selfish bitch and Gina FINALLY saw it! But Dani's friends recently needed a safe place to stay and they knew they could find it at my house.I always let my kids have friends stay over whenever they wanted. That way, I knew where MY kids were!
I really don't know if Danielle appreciates anything I do for her. She's very selfish and mean when she doesn't get her way. Although that seems to be easing off a bit as she gets older. I think her going away to school will be a very good thing. Now if I can just get her and John to tolerate each other for my sake, my life would be a lot easier!
Q4: What was your childhood like? Tell as much as you want....
Answer: I am the 4th of 8 kids. We didn't have money. I have no idea how my mother fed us, clothed us, educated us in Catholic schools. College was not an option for us, although most of my siblings eventually got degrees.
In my family, we have a nun who is also a nurse but was the head of her order for 8 years (Irish, she's a Sister of Bon Secours... they're based in Marriottsville, MD), another nurse who now works assisting surgeons in operating rooms, a plumber turned building inspector for the government, a hairdresser turned server (me!), an office manager for a plumbing company, an electrician, a retired computer programmer and a teacher. Three of my 4 brothers served in the Marines, one for 20 years. I have a brother who is gay and has been LIVING with AIDS for 25 years and will most likely outlive us all.
My parents were strict with my mother being the disciplinarian. I guess I was happy as a kid. I really don't remember a lot about it. I don't remember wanting for anything, but we knew better than to ask because the money just wasn't there. We didn't go on vacations, except a day at the shore and going to visit my grandmother (yuck! she lived in the coal regions of PA and she was a mean spirited bitch).
I was in between the 2 troublemakers in the family (Michael and Jeanne) so I pretty much flew under my parents radar. I never got caught smoking or drinking. I know my parents HATED my boyfriend, Kevin who I dated from 16 to 21. My mother said a novena every night for 5 years that we'd break up. When we did, she said a novena of Thanksgiving! I swear!
I lived at home until I was 24 and my mom was pissed when I told her I was moving out and getting an apartment. She got over it and I got married a year and a half later anyway.
Q 5: What do you imagine your life will be like in 5 years? In 10? What do you dream of and what do you think it will really be?
Answer: In 5 years, I hope John will be healthy and we're still together. I'd like to move to the South, where it's warm (usually). I've had enough of cold and snow and freezing rain to last me a lifetime!
I'd like to travel some with John. I want to see Alaska and he wants to travel the west via train through the Rockies and Grand Canyon. I want to go to Hawaii and Ireland and Greece. I want to go back to the Caribbean and go on cruises.
In 5 years, I hope I have a grandchild or 2. To see my kids happy and in loving relationships of their own. I'd love to see Gina perform on stage again (I miss it!) I want to see Dani pursue a career on the stage, but actually I see her more as a teacher. I'm not sure what direction Tim's life is taking, but I hope he finds something that he loves to do.
In 10 years, more of the same! I hope John and I are both healthy and enjoying life.
I dream of having a peaceful family, without the drama that we've had in these past few years. There's a reason I want my license plate to read DRMA MMA (drama mama) LOL!
I'm not sure if John and I will ever marry. I don't think it's that important any more. He has 4 ex-wives. I told him if we every get married I was going to be his LAST wife! Either it's going to work or I'm gonna kill him!
So that's it! Hope I didn't lose anyone on the way!
Now if I could only work that kind of magic to come up with $364 to pay my cell phone bill.