Monday, April 6, 2009

What can happen if you piss me off...

Did I ever tell you that, when I caught my husband cheating, I started to clean the toilet with his tooth brush... every day? Did my heart good to keep that toilet so nice and clean. I even continued after he left because he came to see the kids every other weekend and slept on my sofa (he was SUPPOSEDLY living with his brother at the time...liar). But the toilet was clean! And everything had to be clean all the time!

My daughter told me not too long ago that she wasn't really very surprised when we got divorced. She said she was surprised it didn't happen sooner, because I was so miserable with him. ME? Unhappy? I didn't know I was unhappy or miserable! Then, I got to thinking about things over the years. Things he did and said that really pissed me off. I know, I know. You all think I'm terrible.

Like when we first got married and decided we were going to wait for a year before starting a family. When we were married for 10 months we bought our first house. Right about that time, we were at a company picnic (for the company he worked for). I heard him tell someone we were going to wait another year before trying to have a baby. Well, I saw RED! This was never discussed between us and I was always so afraid of confrontation that I never said anything. But when I got home, I threw away the spermicide I was using and punched about a dozen holes in my diaphram with a pin. I removed the diaphram right after having sex (it was easy.. he fell asleep about 2 minutes later anyway). I did everything I could to get pregnant, but damn it if I never got pregnant until he FINALLY decided it was time to start THINKING about having a baby (If I waited for him to ready, we'd never had any kids). First time I didn't use the diaphram, I got knocked up. Yup. That bastard had luck on his side all the time.

I really shouldn't be telling you this stuff because some of this is gross... like the next story. I can't remember what he did, but I was sick and he did or said something to piss me off. I had strep throat. I put some strep right in his cup of tea, stirred it up and with a smile on my face, handed him the cup. Did he get strep? NO!

I don't think I did anything else to him over the years though. Except maybe pay the mortgage late on purpose for a few months to damage his credit a little because the mortgage was in his name only (I refused to be put on it after we re-financed after we split up). And if he should happen to croak before we sell the house, I'll stop paying it altogether because then it will be the bitch's repsonsibility. (it'll never happen because only the good die young.. Billy Joel is right)

I did tell John about these things I did. I'd never do anything like that to him. He treats me like a queen. :)


♥ Braja said...

Joanie my lovely friend...I wanted to come over and say hello and a big, loving, sincere thank you for all your love and affection and prayers and support...your high spirits meant the world to us and helped us both heal so swiftly... we wanted to send our love to you and thank you...xxxx

Sally's World said...

okay, i'm never going to upset you...LOL

I think i would have been worse though, if my husband cheats on me, he'll be missing a vital part of his anatomy (worth the prison time I expect)...i'm glad you have someone that treats you the way you deserve now, have a great day honey, sal xoxoxo

Lilly said...

Hey Joanie, I am glad you told us. It's given me a few ideas, ha ha. Isn't it funny that your daughter told you how unhappy you used to be and the good thing is she knows what you look like happy which is how you obviously are with John. Some people spend their whole lives being unhappy, you got out. Woo Hoo!!!

Thanks for being you, I love reading your honesty and I am glad you have John. Everyone deserves to be treated like a Queen or King. Everyone.

HalfCrazy said...

Hi there!

That's really good to know! I'm glad you did those things to him. Didn't find any of those things gross at all because he deserves it, it seems!

Alix said...

I sooo get it, Joanie. I'm not as creative as you (strep in the ol' tea routine is a classic! and the toilet toothbrush, wow!), but I know how a man can drive you to do those things. My first husband was a pathological liar. In my early gullible years I used to actually believe the things he told me (sometimes horrible lies just to see my "reaction"), but I wised up. Now I have a wonderful man whose word is solid gold and who treats me better than anyone ever has in my whole life. BUT, if he ever messes up, I'm calling on you for a consultation on getting even. {wink}

darsden said...

Girl I am so glad you got out of there. May I ask a personal question of how long were you married (other word how long did you suffer with him before you got out?)

Joanie M said...

Dar, I was married for 23 years and we were together for 27 years.

lisa said...

Oh, Joanie,

I was laughing all the way through the post. Great job!

darsden said...

Well, Girlfriend I am about to make you do the yeah divorce dance! (If you didn't know this already) I am happy to tell you because you suffer over 10 years with that turd...wait for it... YOU now get too WHEN you RETIRE draw on HIS social security for the rest OF YOUR LIFE perhaps till the rest of his...SO pray he lives very long and you too... GF just think of that ...LOL extra money from HIM...LOL yes, I know this...because it happened to my step dad...!!! So, hopefully you are dancing...right about NOW ;-)
Happy Monday and to all your readers that are thinking about leaving a turd...make sure you clear the 10 year mark if ya you can GET back at them.

Joanie M said...

Dar, you aren't telling me something I didn't already know! That's one reason why I'm not remarrying any time soon. If I don't remarry until after I turn 60, I'll still get his social security, which will be double what mine would be. My alimony runs out 9 months before I turn 60.
So I promised John I'd marry him for his 63rd birthday (which is one month after I turn 60)

Kat said...

Remind me to never piss you off lady!!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Yup, Hell hath no fury like that of a scorned woman!

Good for you Joanie. Bastard. I'm glad you found a new King to worship the Queen.

Jim and Garret said...

Wow... so many comments. I notice my blog gets more comments when I'm being bitchy, vindictive and complaining. Maybe I should start a new blog and call it the Daily Bitch?

Anywho, I just loved this bitchy post and that you can be evil at a moments notice.


Liz said...

Maybe we should stop calling you Joanie and start calling you Kharma?? LOL!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

OMG! This was hysterical. My favorite line? ---> "I really shouldn't be telling you this stuff because some of this is gross... like the next story"


You don't work at a restaurant, I hope? I would never want to complain about the way you cook the bacon or anything! LOL!

mo.stoneskin said...

With his toothbrush?


Did he every make any schnide comments like...

"Have we changed toothpaste"?

Joanie M said...

@Braja!!! Well hi there!! So glad to see you out and about a little!

@Sally, never thought of doing a Lorena Bobbitt on him. Damn! I missed my chance!

@Lilly, yeah, Gina's a pretty observant girl (well, woman now). Too bad I didn't see it. And John is great.... poor, but he treats me wonderfully.

@HalfCrazy, I'm amazed at the support I've gotten here!

@Alix, it took me a long long time to realize I was better off without him. Now I can hardly believe I ever married him!

@Lisa, glad I can tickle your funny bone!

@Kat, oh no worries! I've only ever done anything like that to my ex.

@Candy, I don't think John has anything to worry about. There is a mutual love and respect for each other that I lost a long time ago in my marriage.

@Garret, all those things I did in anger. But it felt really good too! I do worry about the karma though. It seems like all the bad karma comes on me and he seems to be immune to it. I'm struggling just to stay ahead of the bills and he can take vacations to Bermuda and Las Vegas. Doesn't seem fair.

@Liz, nah. I think I've had my fair share of bad karma. He doesn't seem to get hit with any of it.

@Nanny, um.... actually I'm a server and I used to own a restaurant with asshole. Oh, I'd never do anything to anyone's food! Believe me, there were times over the past 6 years when people deserved to have their food messed with but I never did!

@Mo, nope. He never noticed a thing. The only time he ever noticed anything was if something wasn't clean.

Vodka Mom said...

You are one TOUGH cookie!! And I'm here to tell you- you deserve every happiness you can get!!!

And about the whole trying to give hi strep? You GO girl.

I'm almost ready to talk about my husband's "mistake." not quite ready........

Frogs in my formula said...

What Vodka Mom said!!!

Amy said...

Funny...and scary! You'll never forget, hope someday you can forgive -- not for him, but for your own peace.

Wonder if he reads this blog?!

Joanie M said...

I do need to learn to forgive. Maybe things will go better for me if I do, but it's a hard place to find. And I'm certain he doesn't read this blog. He probably doesn't even know it exists. One of the reasons there's no link from Facebook. The only family member who knows about it is my older daughter.