Friday, August 7, 2009

Dear So and So

Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so very much for
FINALLY taking Auntie Flo away and giving it to some sweet young 13 year old! I think having Auntie around for FORTY-TWO YEARS (
minus the 3x I got knocked up) was quite enough!

Flashing but happy, Joanie


Dear Auntie Flo,

Sorry, lady, but you have
SO worn out your welcome in this body! Go bother someone else for a few decades!

Had enough, Joanie


Dear Customers,

Are you aware that 10% is NOT a good tip? What's the matter? Will it tax your brain too much to try to figure out 15% or, god forbid 20% (buy a clue....$40 check.... see that $4 tip you are leaving? now double it! ) Maybe we need to have on the check that servers make a whopping $2.83 an hour. I have 2 kids in college. 10% ain't gonna cut it! I hope you or one of your kids gets a server job. I'll be sure to return the favor if you ever wait on me.

Unhappy server, Joanie


Dear Alix,

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement on the WW thing! I bet you never thought of yourself as a WW coach!

Love, Joanie


Dear Java, the Prodigal Cat,

I was so glad to see you this morning! I thought you were long gone. But all I wanted to do was pet you. There was no reason for you to hiss at me and try to bite me! I am glad to see you are hanging around the house now that I've left you some food and water near the steps.

Hoping you'll stay and become less wild,


Dear Son,

Dude! You got ANOTHER parking ticket! This time in NJ. This one is for $29. You better pay it right away so it doesn't become $100 like the last 2 you got! Last year, they threatened to arrest ME because you didn't pay for 2 parking tickets. I love you, kid, but I'm NOT going to jail for you! Pay the friggin' ticket!!!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy Dearest


Dear Lurker from Suck Creek, TN,

I love the name of your little town! Please come out of hiding and let us know the name of your blog! Or just say hi!

Curious, Joanie


Dear Mother Nature,

YOU SUCK!!! So not funny to make an appearance 10 f'ing seconds after I post a blog about you! I should have known this headache was a warning. Silly me for thinking that 46 days after your last unwanted visit that you were finished with me. I really hate you.

Pissed, Joanie

Want to join the fun and do your own Dear So and So? Well, go to Kat's place at
3 Bedroom Bungalow to Let in Crazytown, grab a button and just do it! Let Kat know and she'll link you up!


Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh Joanie - so sorry about the shitty tippers. I waited tables a long time, through both pregnancies. I hated Mother's Day, brought out the worse tippers ever. My babies were both born in June, so I never understood how someone could tip an 8 month prego waitress 10% on Mother's Day.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I agree with Pseudo. My son is a waiter and we make sure we tip big. And I'm sorry about that damned Aunt Flo!!

bernthis said...

God, I can't stand cheap people. My ex made his living off tips for a long time so when people were cheap we both suffered. I always give 20 percent.

Pastor Sharon said...

Dear Joanie,
I love this post! And for those who cannot tip well. . . .GO GET A TUDOR! DO THE MATH! TAKE A CALCULATOR IF NECESSARY! But if you think you can afford to go to a restaurant where you will have a waiter/waitress. . . TAKE ENOUGH TO LEAVE 20% at the MINIMUM!

About Aunt Flo,
That woman can kiss my southern grits!

Tickets? I paved 5 major highways with the money donated to the state from my speeding tickets from the time I was 16 until I was 21 years old! Well, I couldn't help it! My right foot has trouble not being in control!

Captain Dumbass said...

Here in BC restaurant food is taxed 7% so we just have to double the tax and a bit when we get the bill. Even that is a mathematical stretch for me though.

Amy said...

Love it when you do these. You're so funny!

lisa said...

Always leave 20%. Today's cell phones have a tip calculator in their apps. so it's not that difficult. Menopause = no periods for 12 months. I was half way there and BAM! Now I have to start all over again. :(

Kat said...

My mom thought she was pregnant the first time she missed Auntie Flo when she was starting Menopause. Of course she told me she thought she was pregnant like 3 days after I told her I was pregnant with KiKi. Could you imagine that. A sibling the SAME age as my 3 year old. Yeah, talk about one freaking out Momma and Kat.

martha said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Joanie M said...

Love the support abut tipping! I'm happy to know you all leave decent tips when you dine out.

I have no real worries about getting regnant, I had my tubes tied 18 years ago, when Dani was born. Plus I'm sure what few eggs I have left aren't viable anyway.

And I've decided Auntie Flo is pure evil. She couldn't wait until Wednesday to let me have it? It had to be now? Shit.

Thanks for reading along, Susan! Glad you said hello!

Middle Aged Woman said...

I think you were tempting fate with Auntie Flo. Also, I have been having very random visits for the last three years! 20 days, 45 days, 93 days! WTF? And the tip thing? I give 20% for basic, decent service. Someone who goes out of their way for me? gets 25 or 30%. And I let them know that ahead of time!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Plus, I tell their boss what a great job they did! Managers love that.

Joanne said...

Ohhh Joanie I was so lookinhg forward to being your menopause twin - bloody biotch Mother Nature!!!

You would love if me and my girls come in I think we end up tipping more than the entire bill - none of us ever carry change so throw $20 down for a $12 bill. And I understand -- I used to do the midnight shift and loved when the drunks left the bar - they drove us crazy and barely knew how to pay a bill let alone tip - arrghhhh.

Joanne said...

Ok so I am back 10 minutes later and guess what - Mother Nature decided to grant my wish. Frikken farken heck Aunt Flo is BACK!!!! Now here is the other funny thing I had my tubes tied about 16 years ago too -- cue the Twilight Zone music.

Garret of Jim and Garret said...

I love Dear So and So too!

Tipping is easy. What's people problems? It would be nice if restaurants would print out what 15%, 20% and 25% tips would be right on the receipt to "help" their patrons which in turn would help the wait staff. Modern technology, this should be easy. Maybe a tip calculator built into the little tray some restaurants have with the bill attached?

Joanie M said...

Ruby Tuesdays puts that on their checks! I think it's a great idea!

Lilly said...

Gosh Joanie you really have an incredible sense of humor - I could imagine you doing standup. This is one of your best posts. And I am with you about Mother Nature - I thought it was all over too but she decided to appear again...bugger...take care and thanks for the great read.

June Freaking Cleaver said...

Auntie Flo is one cranky gal. I've been praying to the menopause gods for a while now. Just when I think my prayers have been answered...boom, I'm back to supporting the feminine hygiene industry. It's been 40 years, I'm

And she's fickle - she comes for a few days, leaves in a huff, and then comes back a week later, and stays for three weeks! What an unwelcome guest!

only a movie said...

I get excited anytime I go over 35 days... damn.

Fun post.

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