Friday, January 30, 2009

Assassin Cat

My newest cat (I have 3, God help me), Java is trying to kill me. You'd think he would be grateful that I rescued him at 2 weeks old when his Mama died and my nail tech guilted me into taking him. You'd think he would appreciate the fact that I got up and bottle fed him every few hours. I even had to teach him how to poop since his Mama didn't get the chance to teach him! Did he thank me? I kept him safe in my bedroom/bathroom so the bigger cats wouldn't hurt him until he was old enough to defend himself. But is he grateful???? NOOOO!!!!!!

Whenever I try to walk up the stairs, he grabs at my feet, wraps himself around my ankle and bites my pants, socks, shoes, feet, whatever his sharp little teeth can sink into. When I try to go down the steps, he'll shoot past me then stop dead on the middle of the staircase. He especially likes it if I have a basket of laundry in my arms that prevents me from seeing the steps below me. He's trying to kill me.

He's all of 5 months old and will pick fights with Cameron and Mason, forcing them to hiss and swipe at him. He and Cam roll all over the floor, biting, clawing. It's like watching 2 teenage girls go at it!

I know he just wants to play when Cam and Mason come in from outside. He chases after them, grabbing at their tails. And they act just like older brothers who don't want to be bothered by the kid brother tagging after them. I think Cameron and Mason taught him to be a bratcat. He just wanted to play, but they hissed at him and swiped at him. Now he's doing it too.

I can tell when Java is going into brat mode. When he's calm and happy, his eyes are a nice green. When he's going to fight and bite, they turn brown! I'm not really sure what to do about him. Dani calls him Satan (now there's the pot calling the kettle black!)

I think Cameron and Mason are just jealous. Java still has his balls and they don't.


Lilly's Life said...

That was a fantstic post. Loved it! I hate cats so cant tell you! Loved the bit about the post calling the kettle black, HA HA!

Anonymous said...

The other cats are definitely jealous of what's swinging between his legs!! :))

Alix said...

OMG! Java looks like my Sayse (Short for Salem Binx... my didn't never could decide on a name so we called him both... then shortened it to a non-name). Java may be a naughty boy, but he's handsome AND he has a real name unlike my kitty.

Joanie said...

@Lisa, not for long! Java's due for a snip, snip soon.

@Alix, My daughter's boyfriend named him. Said he was the color of black coffee.

Temple said... almost always comes down to an issue of balls :)

He is adorable, though!

Captain Dumbass said...

Watch your back, cats are killers.

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

paddy boy is my demon. bobtail devil with his cotton balls. i will win!

Braja said...

I love cats; and laughed at the jealousy at his balls line :)

Amy said...

Great post! Sounds like Java needs to be fixed. Though our cat is -- and declawed in the front -- and he still bites my toes when he wants something.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

My husband is allergic to cats. ALmost did not marry him because of that. I love their antics.

Jim and Garret said...

The cat is trying to kill you.

Diary of the dog…

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Diary of the cat…

Day 983 of my captivity…

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescendin g comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…

Michelle said...

Get him a wind up mouse to kill instead. It has worked wonders for our big ol' tom cat.

jennygirltherat said...

Love this blog! Our cats (long past, sadly) were both shelter cats. When they pissed me off I would tell them,"you now, I could still have you gassed..."