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Monday, March 2, 2009

My Very First Totally Awkward Tuesday!

Yes, I am a Totally Awkward Tuesday virgin. But that is all changing today because today I have a VERY awkward story to tell. And my daughter just might vouch for it's authenticity.

This story takes place way back in April of 1995. That was the time when my daughter, Gina and I were bridesmaids in my youngest brother, Jimmy's wedding. Actually the wedding should have taken place in 1992, but Jimmy was, well... that's a story for another day.

My brother, Jimmy was getting married and his fiance', Laura asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. At the time I was 39 years old, way too old to be a bridesmaid in anyone's wedding but I agreed (that's not the awkward part). My older daughter, Gina was originally asked to be flower girl but since the wedding got postponed for 3 years, she ended up being a junior bridesmaid. Her dress, which originally was meant be floor length was now tea length because she hit a few growth spurts, as kids do when they age from 8 to 11. (this isn't the awkward part either)

Laura wanted our dresses to be made by private seamstresses, since I was living in PA and her sisters were living in CT and MA. The wedding was to take place in Springfield, MA. Laura picked out Laura Ashley patterns with Laura Ashley print material. Now, I am not a slender young woman. I was (and still am) a round, short middle aged mother of 3. The print and the pattern were so not appropriate for me! But I agreed to be in the wedding and as all bridesmaids do, I sucked it up and got a local seamstress to make my gown. Actually, now that I think about it, our dresses were tea length, not floor length.

To be fair, the woman was a professional seamstress and she did a lovely job on the dress. It fit like a glove.... on a fat lady. She thought it would be best if I wore one of those one-piece bra/girdle contraptions to make me look smooth all the way down my torso. I hadn't worn a girdle since I was in high school way back in the early 70's when my mother made me wear one (I think she was trying to ensure my virginity stayed in tact... have you ever tried to get one of those damned things OFF?? Impossible!!) But I digress....

So I bought a bra/girdle contraption and it did make my dress look smoother on me! This... thing has 3 snaps or hooks in the crotch that you have to undo and resnap/rehook closed again.




You know how, when you're in a wedding, you might get nervous? And when you get nervous you have to pee... a lot? Well, that was me. And I tried to pee and get that damned contraption hooked back up, but every time I reached back to grab it, I'd lose the front part. I'd get the front part in my hand and lose the fucking back part.

What's a girl to do? (here comes the awkward part) Well, she enlists the help of her 11 year old daughter to help her! Poor Gina had to go into the bathroom with me every time I had to go and rehook my crotch!!! She didn't want to do it. But I forced her, probably with threats through gritted teeth. I really felt bad for her, but what was I to do? If I let the damned thing stay unhooked, it would have rolled itself like a scroll right up my body! So Gina was my "dresser" for the that entire day! The kid deserves a medal! Really!

The first thing I did when I got back to PA was to throw the damned thing out! And it probably cost $40 or more back then! I also threw the dress out too. Like I was EVER going to wear that thing again! I did save Gina's dress and I think Danielle wore in on Easter one year.

Thanks to Ann at Ann's Rants for telling me I should post this story on Totally Awkward Tuesday! The lovely Tovah Darling is the host of Totally Awkward Tuesday! If you want to join and post your own very funny story, check it out on Tova's Blog!

15 comments:

2L3Bs World said...

such a funny story. it touched me because i also have a daughter who one time or another had been placed in that kind of situation when i was in an unavoidable mishap.

darsden said...

Oh my gosh Joanie that was a funny story. Yes, I hope you bought your daughter something really special. I think I tried one of those teddy bear outfits only once with the snaps there...that is all it took. One bathroom trip ... I told myself I never had to be that type of "woman" LOL

lisa said...

So, how many years did it take for Gina to get over that one? *wink*

Good story and totally awkward.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Great story!! If nothing else it made for a funny family story to share and possibly some nice bonding moments with you and your daughter...and your right, totally awkward. But that's what family are for!!!
Nice picture!!!

RecoveringActor said...

I haven't gotten over it yet... still scarred for life.

And for the record, that pattern doesn't look good on ANYONE. I also had a giant bow on my butt. I forgot how awkward I looked at the age 11...

What a weird wedding. It was the only time I've ever been in a wedding party. And I hope i don't have to snap anyone's crotch the next time I'm in a wedding party...

darsden said...

ROTFLMAO!!! RecoveringActor

Joanie said...

Gina,
Have I told you lately that I love you? Yeah, you were not too happy about having to do that. Thanks for that! You saved the day!

Alix said...

So funny.

I love the pic of you and Gina even though the bride should have been shot for choosing Laura Ashley anything.

Ann's Rants said...

YEAY! So glad you shared this awesomely awkward Tale with the blogosphere. Great post!

Ann's Rants said...

How rude, I almost forgot to say thanks so much for the shout out!
xo

Liz said...

Joanie, given that Gina went on to a life in the theatre, I figure you just gave her a leg up on costume changes and offstage dressing! In my theatre past, I've been on many sides of a variety of awkward costume changes!

Tova Darling said...

Hahaha! Hey, that's what kids are for, right? Because even if they don't want to do the things you ask them to do, they have to anyway, because you said so! :)

Joanie said...

Liz, During Gina's last year of college (2006), she had the chance to work as an over-hire for the national touring company of Cats when they performed in Allentown, PA. Her job was to dress Rum Tum Tugger. The actor played several other cats during the performance. So helping me was just practice for an even bigger job!

Lilly said...

Oh Joanie I love the way you tell stories. And what a story. Laura Ashley - I never like their stuff at all. And look at all the room you have in that dress - you can see the contraption worked. Yes I have worn one and to me the fat just bulges out in other places! So I wouldnt bother. I am all for comfort now.

You and your daughter both look so much alike, just gorgeous. And as for Gina, you know you are going to owe her for the rest of your life dont you?

Joanie said...

Hahaha!! Glad you all liked my story. That damned thing was soooo uncomfortable! I was so happy to finally get it off.

I've got some ideas for future Totally Awkward Tuesdays, but I might need to put up a warning in case Gina doesn't want to read it (it's about sex, sort of) LOL!!!